Billy Baldwin's Best Movie

i, unlike the saint jeff peden memorial death fest (he's a co-worker kids, don't be scared), am going to mention the fact that billy baldwin was in this movie. and what i will say is this: he wasn't the worst pick possible for the part, and he wasn't the best. he's no daniel, but he's also no alec.
my biggest complaint about this movie was the fact that kurt russell played the dad and the son. i think that's lame and there's no way to convince me otherwise. this was a fact much debated in the first 15 minutes of the movie too.
my second biggest complaint was the fact that the preggers girl from fast times at ridgemont high was in this at all. i'm sorry, i just find her annoying.
but, all of that aside, i really liked backdraft. it was higher quality than i anticipated, i love donald sutherland (even if his character was strange and definitely creepy) and robert deniro (who doesn't?!). there was a good combination of explosions, one-liners, decently substantive plot, and of course, my favorite: bar fights.
overall, maybe not the most stereotypically badass movie, but i enjoyed myself. (i'm also glad to have a bit of a break from the bad-good movies we had a long streak of. you have to mix it up a bit after all).

Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of Fire

What to say about this film...hmm...well, it didn't have a lot of explosions, per say, but it did have a lot of fire. It definitely brought out the Beavis and Butthead in me. I had seen Backdraft before, and I remembered it to be a quality movie. Seeing it again, I found it a little cliched. The feuding brothers plot line felt unoriginal. I mean, after the second brother-on-brother chest-banging argument, you knew Kurt Russel was toast. I also felt there were a lot of superfluous characters. Neither of the female roles were all that relevant, and Donald Sutherland's role seemed to be added to show that the scriptwriter did some research on arsonists. Is it a bad movie? Not at all. But it wasn't as good as I had remembered. Oh, and ever since Silverado, Scott Glenn has rocked my world (in a platonic way).

Backdraft does, however, rank highly on the 'Movies with grossly inappropriate lines when taken out of context' meter. Early in the film, father McCaffrey energetically encourages his son to "Give it a yank. Give it a good pull." A line definitely worthy of a phone call to child services.

A little known fact about Ron Howard. He's a cyborg. The real Ron Howard was murdered in 1983 by his brother, Clint. You see Clint, an aspiring actor and evil genius, realized he was never going to have the looks to be a leading man. So, he killed Ron, hid his body with Geraldo Rivera's credibility, and built a cyborg replacement of Ron with directing talent (note that the first movie Ron Howard directed to be nominated for an Oscar was 1984's Splash). He then programmed the cyborg to cast Clint in all of his movies, cementing himself as a mainstay in Hollywood. Yes, this is all true.

Finally, I do believe I deserve some points for not even touching the fact that a Baldwin was in this movie. Thank you. Thank you.

Mullets

ErinInAction noted early on that this was "an entire movie of bar fights." This is not only humorous, but quite accurate. I like the underdeveloped plot and hints at deeper meaning. Like when he goes to rent the room from the farmer and the farmer just cannot comprehend why he actually wants it.

I also have a special place in my heart for Patrick Swayze. Although ErinInAction and I were subjected to jokes made by Jermer and Lynchmonster, we still managed to enjoy him in all his purple silk-shirted glory.

Here's a question though, how can Sam Elliot be so dirty yet so attractive at the same time? It's got to have something to do with that full head of hair and deep voice.

Here's some gems from IMDb:
Plot Keywords: Beautiful Women/Small Town/Machismo/Motorcycle/Nightclub
User Comments: Splendidly bad

ROADHOUSE

That. Was. Awesome.
I did not know what to expect from this movie. Amy and I agreed that it could have been good-bad or bad-bad, but neither of us expected it to be GREAT-BAD!

First of all, The Swayz was incredible. His stare is so intense that, if I met him in person, he would probably make me pee my pants. And when he ripped that guy's throat out...seriously. Insane. Sam Elliot is beyond compare. In any context, Sam Elliot is going to improve the situation. When he showed up in this movie, I knew that shit got serious. I was so sad when he got killed.

Can I also just say that they final scene was CREEPY AS SHIT. How the townsfolk surrounded the bad guy and SLOWLY, one by one, shot him to death. And then, after Fatty McHenchman made a funny remark about the polar bear, everybody started laughing. Just standing there, laughing, around a bloody corpse.

I would recommend this movie to everyone, unconditionally.

"you know, i thought you'd be bigger"

i had never seen this movie before last night. now, having seen it, i'm not exactly sure how i feel about it. i love patrick swayze (and it's the deep, serious, meaningful type of love i can only have for an 80's movie star). however, there was admittedly way more naked than i anticipated (and yes, i'm using "naked" as a noun). and i don't have anything against naked. but there was a lot of it, including some borderline naked sam elliott, who is great and i enjoy the movies i've seen him in largely because he's been in them. but i've never stopped and thought, "hey, you know who i've never seen almost naked? sam elliott. i feel like i'm missing out on something there."
i do love a good fistfight though, and a whole movie about just that is one of the greatest ideas in cinema history. it was also nice to see a sprinkling of explosions incorporated into the movie. not to mention the fact that dalton got a philosophy degree from nyu. how hot is that in an 80's movie star who can fight?
i do think one of the marks of a great action movie is the one-liners, as i believe i've said in a previous post. and this movie is no exception to the one-liner rule, with such gems as "that girl has way too many brains to have an ass like that." and who can resist a tagline like, "it's last call...for action!" not me.

The Shortest Credits Ever

From the Scarecrow Movie Guide: "This is a movie to enjoy while drinking beer out of a can."

It was great to see Locke's dad from Lost (Kevin Tighe) not being as asshole. Although the Chloe from ER sighting (Kathleen Wilhoite) was a drag. And Sam Elliott, by definition, automatically makes avery movie better. I mean The Big Lebowski? Thank You For Smoking? And let's not forget Tombstone and The Quick and The Dead.

I do love me some Patrick Swayze. I mean, come on. He calls everyone sir, he comes to work in a clean dress shirt, slacks, and a flashy belt. What's not to love? Pure class. Although one thing I did notice is that his nod can mean any number of things, such as yes, no, kill him, or don't touch him. I guess it depends on the situation. Like deciphering verbs in Italian. Fucking Italians.

One quick note about his wage. He demands $500 per night. So let's say he's working six nights a week (not out of the question in such a place). That's $3,000 per week. Let's throw in two weeks off a year, for a total of 50 weeks. He's making $150,000 per year. And that's in 1989. With inflation, that puts him at $259,749.73 before taxes (if he's even paying taxes, which I doubt). Let me emphasize that. He's pulling in a quarter million a year to be the head bouncer at a shitty bar in the middle of nowhere (do remember that this is before the bar even became civil). That's a little unreal, even for movie land, don't you think?

Lastly, a few points of interest:

• The great quotes such as "So consider it severance pay" and "Pain don't hurt".
• How did so many "babes" end up in Podunk, USA?
• Lots of glass breaking at all times...never seems to lead to injury. Only knives and fists.
• I'm always surprised by how many punches to the face everyone can take in the action movie world.
• If you are the town savior, you are exempt from silly rules like no parking zones in front of emergency rooms.
• Apparently "making it" in the middle of nowhere equates to changing the theme of a bar to be more like a Miami Beach nightclub. But with southern rock.
• At the 1:17 mark: Big badda boom.
• No action movie is complete without an exploding car. Awesome.

The Fifth Element

I'm not going to lie to you guys: I am a sucker for stories/plot lines involving the four elements. So when I heard that this movie included a FIFTH ELEMENT, I was like, Girl, please! Seriously, though, the final moments scene is so goddamn bad ass. Figuring out what to do with the stones and then lighting that match - so tense. Really awesome.
Overall this is a great movie. I love the future setting. I love the new slang that they use. I love that Korben talks about the number of points left on his license and doesn't bother to explain it - those of us who are cool enough will just understand. But BY FAR the coolest part of the future is the old Asian man and his flying boat restaurant. No contest.
As an action movie, this movie also rules. It isn't hard to come up with good villains to kill when you can use aliens. They are basically explosion fuel. Target practice. And future weapons and space flight don't hurt, either.
Seriously a bitching movie.

muulteepass.

Alright, I liked this one way better the second time around. When I watched it the first time, I thought it was supposed to be serious, so then when I got to Zorg I was like what?? But I way like Lilu. "Multipass" is my favorite line. I heart her.

tasty chicken

this movie is another one of my favorites. not just of the action movies in the world, but of all movies in the world. i adore milla jovovich. and i adore bruce willis (who doesn't?). and i adore gary oldman.
there are fantastically quotable lines like "big bada boom" or "i only speak 2 languages: english and bad english." plus some great future slang, like "super green."
i think the 5th element is the perfect mix of silly and awesome. the choice to have the supreme being as a woman is one i naturally agree with.
i love the weird mugger guy with the stupid hallway hat and the way that leeloo's reconstruction is animated. and who wouldn't want to be able to stick a little pill in the microwave and end up with a whole roasted "tasty chicken"?
mattie mentioned last night that 5th element is like a less creepy version of blade runner. i think this is a pretty accurate assessment, one of the main differences being that blade runner had robots and 5th element had aliens and "evil," but other than that, the settings are pretty similar even though the tones of the movies are drastically different. afterall, blade runner took a much more negative stance on the future than 5th element.
however, i don't believe for one second that korban dallas/bruce willis is really a "one woman type of man."

bro vs. bra

good:
i honestly am not sure where to start with this movie. it was perfectly 90's, which was my favorite decade. it made me miss my brother's game gear which was about the size of my keyboard at work now. there were some tremendously fantastic one-liners. which, now that it's the next day, i sadly can't remember off the top of my head.
did you know the older kid (whatever the hell his name was) was also the stunt double for donatello in the first tmnt movie? and was keno in secret of the ooze. just saying. the little kid didn't do a damn thing after this.
i love the pseudo-subtle women's lib, as well as the "empower the people through government" messages. and also, poor leslie nielson. i hope he got paid for all those missed phone calls, and the elephant stomping, and the lame mask.

less good:
paul and samamual already mentioned this, but yeah, there were some inconsistencies, like the eye patch guy's still in tact eye after being slashed with a sword. but i think i'm ok with that.
there were several moments during the movie that caused wildfire, chris, carsten, and i to turn to each other and ask, "was that racist?" or say, "if he says 'your highnesses' one more time..."
there were some pretty badass fight scenes, though some super silly ones too. i feel like the kids should have been a bit sadder about the fact that their biological parents were KILLED but i guess that's no big deal when you are a surf ninja.

to sum up:
this movie helped me identify one of my favorite aspects of action movies: i love it when all the bad guys match. it makes everything seem so much more ordered.
this movie does leave me with the question, what are the grammatical rules regarding the usage of "bra" and "bro"? is one more formal? how can i incorporate these wonderful words into my vocabulary if i don't know the rule?

Surf Ninjas

I've got to agree with Paul: 3 Ninjas was bitchin. However, Surf ninjas comprised a good 20% of my childhood. I got this on DVD for my brother for Christmas, seeing as how we must have watched it weekly in our wee years. So I was pleased to see upon this new viewing that it is still so great.

I don't even know where to begin. Motosurfing? Inspired. Scottish Uncle Iggy? Spot-on. What was with the princess suddenly embracing liberty? That was not explored. And as soon as Johnny is crowned king, he renounces it? These points were lost on me as a child.

Something else I discovered about this movie is that it is goddamn funny. Colonel Chi missing phone calls was genius. So was the Game Gear. Goddamnit, what ever happened to Game Gears? And I have learned that brothas don't surf.

I fell like I'm getting a bit sporadic. I am too excited because this movie rules.

What if Ernie Reyes never had a child?

I never saw Surf Ninjas the first time around, as I was a fan of 3 Ninjas and wanted nothing to do with a different set of ninja children, so this was a whole new experience to me. And I must say, this movie fits our little club nicely.

While I found the bad acting and the terrible plot to be detracting, there were many things to love about this movie. Such as Rob Schneider. This is up there in the top 5 best Rob Schneider roles of all time. Deuce Bigalow? No, Iggy. From the first scene of him cooking breakfast, to him putting wax on the wrong side of his surfboard, to his diatribe about money and knives, he stole the show.

Plus, was anything more amazing than the fact that Tone Loc made every scene he was in better? It was like he was the veteran actor for once in his career. And the Kelly Hu sighting (of Nash Bridges, Sunset Beach, and X2 fame) was humerous, especially when you count the fact that she was 25 when they made this movie.

I do wonder how much Leslie Nielson was paid for this one though. He's only in the movie for 10 minutes, and it's a pretty poor production even by his standards. I think he did it all in a day and ended up with a six figure check. Gotta love Hollywood.

Does anyone else want to know why Zatch was missing his eye? They show him getting cut in the face, but then he's simply bleeding for the rest of the scene, with his eye fully intact. Did it get infected in this third world country and he had no antibiotics so he had to have it removed? Or does he simply wear the patch to add a challenge to his depth perception and have a good conversation starter? So many questions...